As a socially awkward minority with many differences, who has trouble interacting with the public, feeling out of place isn’t an uncommon experience for me. Any social event, crowded area or place where I’m expected to be in the spotlight makes me very uncomfortable. Although, nothing made me feel out of place more than high school. Like I said I wasn’t a very socially gifted kid, I’m still not as an adult. So I already had trouble talking to people I didn’t know and making friends. And being forced to publicly speak in front of the class, or be involved in a group discussion would send me into multiple panic attacks.
Most of the kids at my school were fairly nice, but there’s always the bullies and just general jerks. As a teen I was already struggling with mental illness, epilepsy diagnosis and testing, as well as figuring out my identity. When my year found out I was in a same sex relationship at the time, boy was that the hit topic. Of course all the boys would laugh and make comments; many, many homophobic comments. And then there were just the people that would stare as if we were an exhibit at a zoo. Next was when I came out as non-binary. Well, I didn’t really “come out” say, I just asked all my teachers to call me Merlyn and then everyone caught on. And of course, the jerks had to have their say.
As an adult looking back on my high school years, I realise how scared and shut down I was as a teenager. It’s like I locked my true self away inside and only allowed a robotic persona to interact with everyone. The only people who made me feel like me are my two best friends who I still see and love. For those who say “high school friendships don’t last”, they do if they’re real and meaningful. I’m only starting to act like myself again as an adult, and I’m still getting used to it. I just keep repeating “no one’s watching” “no one cares” “it’s ok”, because being myself is more important than the thoughts of strangers.
The Travel Journal 
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